Dead

Now its over. I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want.

Finding meaning in moments of nothingness.

At this very moment, I am supposed to be logging in for work but find myself not feeling like my work has any meaning or significance. I thought about doing a quick writing exercise which led to even deeper feelings of insignificance and overall “what’s the point”-ness.

I am 44 years old and what have I done in my life for me?

What will I likely do for myself before I die? Today, it feels like it’s too late for all that.

All I really feel like doing today is lying in bed and staring at the ceiling until it’s time to go to sleep. Full disclosure, I had to wean myself off of my SSRI before I can try a different, more suitable medication, and I am currently on week three of no meds.

This could be the source of my renewed ennui and existential dread. It dawned on me that this would be the best time to be vulnerable and write about the song “Dead” by They Might Be Giants.

It is the 5th song on the album Flood and features John Linnell singing lead as well as backup vocal tracks and keyboard. “Dead” is technically a very simple song but carries with it an immensely complicated and heavy theme.

Regrets and missed opportunities

I’ve always had an emotional connection to this song. By the time I found the Flood album, I was already a newly anxious teenager full of existential dread with complicated emotions and habits of overthinking and overfeeling. The lyrics below hit me hard at first listen:

Now it’s over

I’m dead

and I haven’t done anything that I want

or, I’m still alive

and there’s nothing I want to do.

This morning, that lyric is as ever-present in my existence as it was when I first heard it over 30 years ago. There are also themes of regret and aging (which seem to be conversely related to each other) that I never fully connected with until I aged up and had stockpiled my own collection of things to be regretful about.

A quick bullet point of (some of) my regrets/missed opportunities:

• I did not go to college

• I did not fulfill my high school dream of becoming a screenwriter

• I was a semi-finalist for The Andy Kaufman Award in the early 2000s and didn’t go to NY for the event (I wasn’t allowed to.)

• Many times I was involved with very cool comedy projects and gigs with other people who continued on and became part of all the things I love listening to and watching, but I let another person dictate which dreams I would fight for or give up on. And now I’ll never be a guest on Comedy Bang Bang.

Click below to listen to “Dead.” What are your thoughts? How do you feel about this one?

A choir teachers vs. a missed opportunity

I was in choir in Junior High and our choir teacher was always so encouraging to students. He invited us to bring in songs that we’d like to suggest as arrangements for the group.

We did “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” some Boyz II Men, “Oh Happy Day” from Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, and “Ode to Joy” from Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (WITH choreography.) I can’t even express how many times I’ve seen Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

Right away I knew Mr. Holloway wouldn’t go for “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)” although that would have been my first pick. It just seemed like I’d have to pick something best suited for a choir with very little instrumentation and an opportunity with a full choir to harmonize. “Dead” was the perfect fit.

During my lunch break, I brought the cassette to the choir room and gave it to Mr. Holloway. He gave it a good listen. I could tell he was really analyzing it. Clearly, he recognized what I heard in this song and knew that this simple keyboard and vocal number was perfect for our choir to prepare.

Once the song ended, he chuckled and handed me back the cassette.

A chuckle? Was this funny? Does he think I was kidding?

“Well, everything he sang was very flat instead of the round vowel sounds that you know we use in choir. Plus it’s so nasally.”

Nasally?! I wasn’t suggesting that we do an imitation of the song. I just wanted to put our own spin on it. How cool would it be to have a school choir performing a They Might Be Giants song?

Instead, I was shot down on sight. I wasn’t even going to think about mentioning “Particle Man.”

Years later, when TMBG were pioneering the ability for fans to download audio clips or 20-second crappy videos over dial-up Internet, I was able to witness a very short clip of a high school choir singing “Particle Man.” How cool for them. What a forward-thinking, hip choir teacher.

Full circle

I never skip this song. I’m always excited when it comes on and I love sharing it with other people.

In the end, “Dead” is more than just a song to me; it’s a reflection of my journey, my regrets, and my hopes. It reminds me that, despite the missed opportunities and the paths not taken, there is always a way to find meaning and joy in the present.

There will be many more days like today with more downs than up and songs like “Dead” serve as both a comfort and a challenge—it reminds to strive for what I want and to cherish the moments that make life worth living.

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Bonus Stuff!

One of my all-time favorite covers of a TMBG song is of this song. The artist is Steve Burns. Yes, the Steve from Blues Clues. But you’ve got to hear this.