I’ve Got a Fang: A Story About Teeth, Terror, Self-Esteem

An incident at dinner and a They Might Be Giants song that suddenly feels too real.

CD disc artwork from Mink Car by They Might Be Giants, featuring minimalist line art of car seats and reflective surface design.

Fine Dining Is a Scam

Two years ago, I sat at a table of a fancy restaurant for a friend’s birthday.

It was the kind of fancy restaurant that calls their mashed potatoes a “potato puree.” Do you know who else calls their food a puree? Gerber. The baby food company. Just because you over mashed it and added your weight in butter doesn’t make it any more elevated than mashed potatoes.

And don’t make me order my sides separate. Yes, I’m still on this restaurant thing.

If you have filet mignon as a main course on your menu, go ahead and serve that to me with what you - the chef - felt was the best complete dish for that protein. Maybe serve it on top of a bed roasted seasonal root veggies with a pepper and wine reduction sauce, garnished with fresh fennel. But what do I know! Or you can sear and thinly slice it, served on a bed of that potato puree you’re so excited about.

Making me select and pay separately while I create my entire dinner plate as if I’m starting a new Elden Ring character build isn’t “we do things a little differently here,” it’s “we decided not to have our restaurant function the way everyone has agreed a restaurant should function.”

So, I ordered the roasted carrots as one of my sides.

My grandma used to make me roasted carrots all the time when I was very little. The best way to have them was when she would steam and mash them up a bit with a dab of butter and a sprinkle of salt. I was really looking forward to these roasted carrots.

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Anyway, The Song

How does any of this relate to I’ve Got A Fang? Fair. Let’s talk about the song.

The sixth track on the Mink Car album from They Might Be Giants, it’s a fairly simple song. Featuring a baritone sax joining the bass guitar and some electronic programming - including a rapid hi-hat that starts the song off and continues, unrelenting throughout. Ceasing only once after deteriorating before the bridge.

The band’s original version of the song did not include the hi-hat but one of the album producers wanted to put it in and honestly, it is doing a lot of heavy lifting as far as the vibe goes. Without it, the song is still a banger but there is a quirkily, unbalanced energy happening with the running hi-hat across the track.

John Linnell is handling all of the vocals in this one by singing in two different octaves of a very monotone styles. It gives the lyrics a sort of spooky vibe while he goes on about using his fang to open up cans of tomato juice or making his girlfriend’s mom’s head explode like an atom bomb on sight of his hideous face.

I’ve Got A Fang is almost an absurd commentary on low self-esteem imposed body horror all over something kind of normal; a slightly longer, pointier tooth. The narrator is singing about himself with a tone that sounds like he’s given up hope of ever looking “normal” again. That he identifies as a monster with a fang tooth who is not as valued, loved, or admired as someone with a full set of nice, regular teeth.

Back to the Crime Scene

Back to that birthday dinner..

At last, I lift my carrot filled fork up to my mouth. I take my first bite.

The end where I cut that whole roasted mini carrot with the edge of my fork was soft, but the center where my teeth made contact was fresh-from-the-ground raw. I bit into it with all the confidence of a person who thinks they’re about to bite into the fully roasted carrot that they just ordered.

My tooth broke.

Discreetly, I made my way to the bathroom and looked in the mirror at my newly chipped front tooth and accepted my new reality. Then, while staring into my own face, I let out a sigh of defeat and I said:

Great.

Now I’ve got a fang.

You’re reading one of my Mink Car essays. An album full of pop, depression, car accidents, and high fidelity.

• See all Mink Car posts - Start Here

• Dive deeper into TMBG lore at TMBW.net (fan-run and fantastic)