My Evil Twin: The Art of Self Sabotage

They Might Be Giants wrote a song about self-sabotage. My evil twin wrote this blog post about it. Read it before he deletes everything.

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The Other Me That Won’t Let Me Be

There have been times in my life where I’ve complicated relationships, quit jobs, and generally made poor impulsive choices. Only later do I realize my reasoning (if there ever was any) was based on a distorted reality.

Future Chase was faced with the aftermath of Past Chase’s decisions. Prior to addressing and working on my mental illness, it felt like I had a version of me that liked to come out of the shadows, play the role of me, and sabotage my life.

As if I had an Evil Twin.

‘My Evil Twin,’ the fourth track off TMBG’s Apollo 18 album is rock a song that also rolls. No, YOU’VE run out of ways to describe what a song is.

John Flansburgh leads on vocals, with John Linnell on harmony, and The Accordion and The Electric Guitar on the accordion and electric guitar. It’s a prime example of early ’90s alt-rock, bringing the clean guitar tones and infectious harmonies reminiscent of The La’s.

Nothing releases the serotonin for me like hearing the Harmony of the Johns™ over their guitar and accordion. This song has that juice.

Drawing, from the Apollo 18 promo, representing the song

Self-Sabotage, but Make It Catchy

The lyrics of My Evil Twin suggest a dual existence. A struggle between the version of oneself who makes destructive choices (probably fueled by alcohol, as the song hints) and the other version left to deal with the aftermath.

While I don’t relate to the alcoholism aspect, the emotional experience is painfully familiar in a more subversive way. My evil twin doesn’t trash my house or get me into bar fights. Although, he could often avoid cleaning out the cat box or doing the laundry for an amount of time that could be considered “too long.” He lives in my mind, working tirelessly to reframe neutral or even positive interactions in the worst possible way.

Example: A friend once told me, “Chase, I think that in some other universe we still would have met, not because of our spouses, and would have been really good friends.”

Translation: But not in this particular universe.

Or when my wife reassures me after seeing my anxious expression: “Hey, hey, it’s alright. This is healthy, we’re okay. I’m not saying I’m packing up my things today and hitting the road.”

My evil twin latches onto that one word, today , and tells me “She’s just not planning on doing this today, but clearly mentioned it with that specific qualifier because it is on her mind.”

On and on it goes. He’s relentless. Nobody else can see my twin and seldom hear the thoughts he whispers to me but relationships become strained, plans get cancelled, and careers feel like they are always on the brink of collapse. Until, that is, I remember anti-depressants and therapy exist.

A Soundtrack for Intrusive Thoughts

There a few lyrics in this song that stand out prominently for me. I can feel them like accusations of character.

It scares me so / Like I scare myself / With that book of Nostradamus / Up upon my shelf

That book is probably Les Prophéties, which has been reinterpreted for centuries and allegedly contains many predictions about the future. There’s nothing an anxiety brain loves to do more than make negative predictions about the future and then react to them in real-time.

And then there’s:

Here he comes again / My evil twin / My friends have seen him hiding / Underneath my skin

Learning to Get Along

These days, I have better tools at my disposal. Therapy, journaling, and Wellbutrin. The Wellbutrin is doing all of the heavy lifting here, let’s be honest. With those tools combined, I am able to recognize the patterns, reframe my perspective and shoulder on.

I apologize for canceling plans. I rebuild friendships. I remind myself that my wife does, in fact, love me and that I do have friends. In this universe, not just an alternate one.

Do You Have an Evil Twin?

Writing this has me caught in a thought spiral making it very difficult to dismount and end this post.

Is this any good? Will I lose readers? Do I HAVE readers?

If you relate to any of this (not the song, necessarily, but the self-sabotaging neuroses) let me know. Just know that my evil twin will interpret the silence as rejection.

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