They Might Be Giants wrote a 90-second song about the word "no." This is about the three different no's I learned as a kid and which one turned out to be the only one that mattered.
Great piece. A favorite song too. You captured a truth that I think gets overlooked when a parent says no for no clear reason. “I’m not in the mood for you to have something that makes you happy, because I’m not happy.”
That, and “I have no control or say on anything in the world, so I’ll control you.”
I thankfully didn’t get told no very often and when I did it wasn’t punitive. At least that’s how I remember it.
I heard "no" too many times, growing up with an abusive parent who used their power to say "no" to anything that could make me happy. All as consequences for the smallest infractions. No, you can't hang out with friends, do sports, music, anything that takes time away from chores at home. When all that was left was books - no reading while you're grounded.
It definitely affected my parenting, and I tried to say "yes" to anything my kids wanted to do within reason, while "no" felt almost physically painful. That's not to say that they ended up spoiled, because we did have to say "no" to plenty of things we couldn't afford, or weren't safe, or wouldn't work with our schedules, but I've probably done them a disservice by not making them do much for chores. Our house certainly looks worse for the wear, but at least my kids are pretty happy.
Oof, I’m sorry. That does sound like an endlessly and needlessly frustrating and difficult dynamic to deal with as a kid. It sucks that you had that experience.
I do think that as parents, when we come at it with god intentions that include being willing to learn, grow, and listen to our kids -even if when we make the wrong calls, our kids will pick up on the intention and context of it all. Or at least that seems to be how it’s beefing going so far anyway.
Can’t wait to start writing about balloons next week.
Great piece. A favorite song too. You captured a truth that I think gets overlooked when a parent says no for no clear reason. “I’m not in the mood for you to have something that makes you happy, because I’m not happy.”
That, and “I have no control or say on anything in the world, so I’ll control you.”
I thankfully didn’t get told no very often and when I did it wasn’t punitive. At least that’s how I remember it.
“I have no control or say on anything in the world, so I’ll control you.” - that one is a good one to point out too. Especially egregious.
I heard "no" too many times, growing up with an abusive parent who used their power to say "no" to anything that could make me happy. All as consequences for the smallest infractions. No, you can't hang out with friends, do sports, music, anything that takes time away from chores at home. When all that was left was books - no reading while you're grounded.
It definitely affected my parenting, and I tried to say "yes" to anything my kids wanted to do within reason, while "no" felt almost physically painful. That's not to say that they ended up spoiled, because we did have to say "no" to plenty of things we couldn't afford, or weren't safe, or wouldn't work with our schedules, but I've probably done them a disservice by not making them do much for chores. Our house certainly looks worse for the wear, but at least my kids are pretty happy.
Oof, I’m sorry. That does sound like an endlessly and needlessly frustrating and difficult dynamic to deal with as a kid. It sucks that you had that experience.
I do think that as parents, when we come at it with god intentions that include being willing to learn, grow, and listen to our kids -even if when we make the wrong calls, our kids will pick up on the intention and context of it all. Or at least that seems to be how it’s beefing going so far anyway.
Can’t wait to start writing about balloons next week.