Pre-Ordered Rejection
One of the things I am working on rather than dating or getting into any new romantic relationships is to not put myself down so often. My base level of operation assumes that the other person doesn’t care for my taste in music (like this band specifically) or comic books or anime. Or that the person secretly feels that I’m not a typically attractive fit guy who like sports etc.
These all stem from insecurities. Some are old patterns I never practiced my way out of. Others I picked up from past marriages, from people telling me straight up that I’m not attractive, or putting down my interests, or just taking no interest in them at all.But assuming those beliefs are held by someone who hasn’t said that, puts it on them to refute and that’s not healthy for a relationship. But its also not a healthy thing for me to do to me.
That is what I think the song Prevenge is partly about. The fifth track on They Might Be Giants’ album, The Spine sings about a cycle of emotionally causing yourself harm by negative self-talks or assumptions of others so that it won’t catch you off guard when someone says or does a hurtful thing. You’ll feel like you prepared for it. Or worse, you hurt them or leave them first. This is not a behavioral trait of mine but the song is maybe leaning more that way with planning Prevenge and all.
A perfect little upbeat, pop-rock song like this has no business carrying such an introspective theme. That’s usually the case with a TMBG song. Here I am, sitting at my desk with my best set of headphone on, listening to this soul-itch scratching crunch sound of the electric guitar and Marty Beller’s killer drumming while I make a mental note to bring this up in therapy next week.
Who Let ME in Here?
The song also brings up themes of imposter syndrome with lyrics like:
Now you know that the girls are just making it up
Now you know that the boys are just pushing their luck
Now you know that my ride doesn't really exist
And my name's not really on that list
The narrator is certain that everyone around him is faking it. In fact, he admits that he knows that his name is on the list. For me this sounds like a person who is amongst people in a setting where he thinks people would reject him if they saw him the way he sees himself. I too suffered from this affliction like most people. Always feeling like my friends are inviting me along to things out of a sense of obligation or kindness to make me feel included even though they certainly don’t actually think of me as a close friend.
I spent several months of therapy just breaking that apart and examining what in me is assuming this about others. And practiced new thinking patterns, and learning to be more vulnerable with my friends because being vulnerably requires trust and when we extend trust and vulnerability (appropriately) it allows a friend the opportunity to show you how they care. AND you should be that person for others as well while I’m on the subject.
Enter Mr. Pupkin
Now, I’ve never seen Martin Scorsese's film, The King of Comedy. I’ve heard it mentioned back when Joker first came out as being heavily “inspired” from and that’s all I’ve known. It centers around a guy named Rupert Pupkin who aspires to be a famous stand-up comedian. He delusionally believes he’s got the talent for it but nobody else seems to share this version of his reality. Eventually (hey, spoilers for this movie from 1982), Pupkin kidnaps a late night TV host that he idolizes and negotiates with his hostage and authorities for a spot on the show, performing to a live audience in exchange for releasing the late night host.
Pupkin does his comedy set to the audience (and live television) who believe that he earned this place like the rest of the comedians who have ever appeared but Pupkin knows that’s not how he got there. Even telling the audience that he’s there because he kidnapped the host is believed to be part of his act.
In Prevenge, the bridge of the song references Pupkin:
Calling Mr. Pupkin
To join us at the love-in
‘Cause Pupkin comes alive
When prevenge is the plan
See Pupkin take the stand
This bridge sounds very different from the rest of the song. It sounds like we’re listening to a recording being played into a microphone. And at live shows, when this song has been played, the band plays the bridge from a recording rather than performing the bridge live. It is a truly meta experience they are providing for listeners. Themes within themes.
Pupkin used honesty in that moment where it would only build on the comedy context he had with that audience. Essentially, another layer of facade. In real life, the band stops playing their live instruments in order to play a prerecorded bridge about Pupkin. In a sense, they’re doing the very thing Pupkin did, while playing a recording about Pupkin doing it.
I Belong Here, Probably
Well, I didn’t plan on writing about this song and diving right into my non-dating life and therapy journey. As I type this sentence, I’m actually thinking of how my music newsletter is not like the “real” music newsletter and that’s probably why I don’t have 100 paying subscribers and a Substack Checkmark by my name. But I’m not doing anything wrong. I belong. I’m just being authentic.
So that’s the work right now. Not dating, not looking for anyone to prove me wrong, just trying to stop accepting rejection before anyone else gets the chance to reject something. Playing the bridge off the tape, so to speak. Down the road, ff someone doesn’t care about my comic nerdom, or my favorite anime, or a band that wrote a song about a guy planning revenge for something that hasn’t happened yet, that’s allowed. But I don’t get to decide that for them in advance anymore.
Prevenge is a plan for a worst case scenario, and I’m trying to retire from planning for those.
So I’m curious: what’s something you used to hide or apologize for that you just let people see now?
I’m writing about every They Might Be Giants song in order, and paid subscribers are the reason I can keep doing it.
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